Reflection

Well another year is about to finish and I find myself like many others reflecting.  So much has happened in this past year and yet so much of it seems to get tangled up in my memories.  I am so grateful to find myself in remission for at this time last year I had just finished my 2nd to last chemo treatment and was full of such anxiety of did it all work.  I am going to try and break this past year down--

January- Finished last chemo treatment.  Had my 2nd wedding anniversary.
February-  Got the news that my radiation field could be narrowed down to not include my face and just my neck and upper chest area.
March- Finished up radiation and lost my voice for 2 weeks from the treatment
April- Audrey turned 1
May- Bobby away from school for awhile.  Finally got to travel out of my area for the first time since all my treatment concluded!  First haircut since post treatment.
June-Got a job teaching 4th grade at a school I really love since taking a year off and found out I was officially in remission
July-With Bobby back we can finally visit New York again and have my chemo port removed!
August-School starts back and Audrey starts with daycare for the long haul
September-follow up appointment with doctor I am still feeling pretty good
October-Bobby left for awhile and was able to travel with Audrey again to Oregon
November-Celebrated Thanksgiving with Bobby and Audrey-awaiting and overthinking my scans next month
December-Scans show I am still in remission after about a year out of treatment of chemo and radiation

Next year----hoping for a very healthy New Year and to never have to return to the treatments again!

Wow, what a year it has been.  I am hoping to have this coming year lead to many great things for my family and yours! 

Happy New Year!

For last year's words belong to last year's language and next year's words await another voice. And to make an end is to make a beginning.
T. S. Eliot

It's such a good feeling...

to know you're alive!  ~Mr. Rogers  This quote just seems very appropriate. 

      On Wednesday of this week I had my half yearly scans which include a PET and CT scan to let me know how they chemo and radiation are handling things.  I've been kind of quiet about all of this because it has been weighing heavy on my mind since my last scans back in June which let me know I was in remission from Hodgkin's Lymphoma.  Well good news my scan are showing everything is still in the clear and I am still in remission!

       I started calling today which would be the earliest I could possibly have the results back.  I have to say my oncologist doctor and nurses are just wonderful people who always help me out.  I will have my follow up appointment Monday to let me know when my next scans will be which will probably a longer time in between.  So this is for sure a good thing.

     You know at the very beginning of all this I know I mentioned the quote the elderly man who greets you when you walk in the door at Walmart told me to "have a great day and even better tomorrow".  This is something throughout this whole process I have remembered.  Well tonight he was at the greeter this evening at the door and as I was leaving he said this again to me.   I stopped and said to him "you know about a year ago you said that to me and it meant a lot, I was diagnosed with cancer and those words have stayed with me"  He smiled and was very much happy I told him this.  We talked for a few minutes about how his words do impact people and I just told him thank you.  He also told me his granddaughter had been diagnosed with Leukemia 5 years earlier.  Cancer affects us all, young and old and everyone in between.  Sad reality.
     So on to the next chapter and we'll see what is ahead.  I love that I can think about the future and know that I have these scan to prove that I am healthy.  So yes I had cancer, I am moving forward and so very thankful for that opportunity.   So a sigh of relief, a very long over due sigh or relief. 

“When you get to the end of your rope. Tie a knot and hang on.”
― Franklin D. Roosevelt

Getting to know you...

     Well it has been some time since I've written here.  Life has been so busy, but I am thinking that is a good thing.  I had recently my every 3 month check up since remission and my doctor said I was healthy!  It's nice to hear that.  Though this past week I had a scare.  I felt a tighting in my neck and pressure behind my ear.  It was enough for me to go in and see what was going on.  It was that same feeling that I got back in July of 2010 right before my diagnosis.  Luckly it turned out to just be a cold.
     I guess I am coming to terms that I have a "new" body in a sense.  It can be very frustrating after knowing yourself and how you respond to colds coming on etc, that I am now faced with I don't really know my body all that well.   This isn't something that comes to me easily since I like to be in control of things.  So it is a learning process to say the least.  The tightness in my neck was right by my scar and my doctor thought it could be the scar tissue stretching from the cold.  Who knows....just well it sent me to a place of a new reality for me. 
     I am in remission for cancer.  Such an ugly word, cancer.  I've been given the chance to continue living and that is such a gift that others with this horrible disease may not get.  October 8th is another big date for me; the one year mark of my very first chemo treatment.  I have come a very long way.  Instead of fearing when I would lose my hair I can now say I've had three haircuts since May.  I've been told that my hair looks really cute short....but I guess for me it just isn't how I see myself.  I guess I could go the hair extensions route but yeah that may just be a tad over board! 
     For awhile I had been very protective of my scar and how much I showed but lately I honestly forget about it.  Then of course you get the people who are looking at you and you know they are wondering "what happened?"... I guess I would be doing the same thing.  I had one little girl at work ask me about my scar and asked if I had fallen down.  Oh if only that were the reason :)  I don't mind people asking me about it, it keeps putting the word out there about cancer and to be your own advocate when it comes to your body.
     My next big scans will be in December and that will be just shy of the year mark of me ending my chemo treatment.  Providing all goes well we go to every 4 month visits and PET and CT scans for the next 5 years every year.  So I am making progess, just slow going with A LOT of waiting in between.  A few weeks back I went to the Post Office to buy stamps and I had the cashier Post Office guy ask me about my scar.  Like I said I don't mind talking about it but well right in front of the whole place was a tad weird.  Then the other cashier said it must be hard not knowing, you must worry.  Well 1. thanks for pointing that out and 2.  yeah I do worry!
      What I have come to learn is that I don't and can't control everything.  Sometimes you just have to "worry" about every day life and what it is offereing and not think always about the unknown--for it will happen soon enough.
   

“There is something beautiful about all scars of whatever nature. A scar means the hurt is over, the wound is closed and healed, done with.”------Harry Crews

 

 

Leukemia & Lymphoma Society  

(Always a great place to donate.  The Nashville Chapter has helped me with literature and copay help and just general support!)



Starting to not wear something covering my head ....big step for me!



Taking back...

     So with the good news on remission I now have a date as to when I can have my chemo port removed.  I will have it taken out July 6th.  Now what is interesting about this is they give you two options on how you want to go about this.  The first is traditional surgery where you go in and go under with anesthesia.  The other option since it is easier to have the port removed then placed is to have it taken out in the office while you are awake.  So I chose the second way of doing this. 
     Yes this does mean I am aware of what is going on, but luckily I have a prescription of Xanax that will help me relax :)  This next step is the numb the area where he will do the surgery and for me that is in the up right part of my chest.  Then he will give me a shot so I don't feel anything.  Sounds easy enough, right? Heh.  I am wondering if my doctor during this will let me wear my headphones for my ipod so I don't hear anything.  Bobby can be in the room with me and he wants to be so we'll see.  For me getting this port out represents so much of a journey that I have gone through and didn't sign up for.  It is that last physical piece in my body tying me to cancer.   It is has been a lifesaver, but one I am so willing to thank and move on!  The whole procedure he says lasts about 30 minutes or less.  So any words of experience in this type of surgery I would love to hear!
    So other than that I just sit and wait and soon to be another step closer to having this behind me.  My hair is growing pretty good and now it is getting to a strange point of still short but not long enough to really do anything and can really look like a hot mess!  But hey, I'll take it.  I have entertained the idea of getting a weave or extensions put in but I don't want to look like Vanilla Ice/Britany Spears gone horribly wrong.  :) 
     I will be going back to work this fall and am really looking forward to this.  I will be teaching 4th grade.  I love the age of fourth graders!  Audrey will be having to go to daycare and let me tell you I am NOT looking forward to that.  We went and visited the place where she most likely will be going and she loved it there.  She was talking and playing with the other kids.  I know it will be very hard on me I think most of all.  But a year ago I didn't think this time was ever going to get here of me being well enough to actually go back to work.

"Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage."

- Anais Nin

Up at Cape Meares, OR--odd fact about me is I always wanted to go into the forestry service.  Who knows, maybe one day I will do something with it!

---

What's in a number...

     Well if you ask a cancer patient about numbers, it can be the difference between life and death.  Will my white blood cell count be okay to recieve chemo, has the mass shrunk in size or counting every 14 days till your next treatment.  The list goes on.  The numbers for each person is different, but it can certainly turn into a mind game.  August 17th was the first time a doctor told me that they thought I had cancer.  Another number.  Today I got the word on June 17th exactly 10 months that they chemo and radiation treatments have been effective!  This has been the news I have been waiting for since this whole nightmare began.   Finally. 
     I had my PET and CT scans done on Wednesday.  These tests would determine if after not being in treatment since March did the radiation and chemo do what it was supposed to do.  Let me tell you, stress hurts.  For the last two days I have been an emotional wreck and just wondering what I would do if the news came back the other way.  Did I do all this work and treatment in vain?  I think I was almost to the point of talking myself into feeling something in my neck, but I just think I was so sore from stress.  Stress like I said, hurts.
     So after starting chemo back in October and ending in January, losing my hair, having 3 surgeries, then radiation for 18 days and then losing my voice for 2 weeks--in the end it was all worth it!   I must say I didn't and couldn't have gotten this far alone.  Forgive me if this next part sounds like a Academy Award speech :)   But I really do have an amazing family and this is mine and Bobby's.  My family dropped what they were doing to come and help me and that is something I needed and they knew that.  Thank you for thinking of me.  Those first few months I was is bad shape of playing the "what if" game.  There were so many of you that would write to me on here and just check in on me and you didn't have too, but you did and so I thank you from the bottom of my heart.  There were a few here that I have to give a special shout out to- Andrea, Kristi, Briana, Amy and Roben.  Roben I meet after she came by after every chemo treatment and brought us some food she didn't have to do that but it meant the world.  Briana thank you so much for babysitting Audrey time after time, I know she really enjoys your company.  To Andrea, Kristi and Amy--thank you for supporting me and checking in on me.  From the very beginning you 3 stepped up and helped me through what has been the hardest thing I've ever gone through.  From helping me with Audrey, to just calling or writing me. You didn't have to, but you did. Thank you.  And yes Andrea I took your advice, it is okay to ask for help.  And thank you to all of you who followed me through this and wrote to me.  I read everything you all wrote probably more thank once :)  Prayer you said for me and your thoughts really helped me along.
     So now I go see my doctor on Tuesday and get my report and hopefully get a date scheduled for surgery to get this port out of me!  I failed to mention since my tests on Wednesday I've been calling my doctor's office to see if I could get the results early and sure enough the nurse called me today and read back to me the report!  I will also find out my long term appointments and where I go now.
     You know I haven't really let myself cry through all of this only at the beginning.  What good was crying going to do me going through the treatments?  I also think I am going to let myself cry, but tears of complete relief!  I am slowly letting the stress go because I am still having a hard time believing I am here at this point.   But thank God I am. 



     So what's in a number to you may be differnent to me.  What I know right now is that I now can start planning long term rather than just month to month.  That feels wonderful.  I think now it may be time to hit the lottery with of course my number, 17!

"You're responsible for the energy that you create for yourself and you're responsible for the energy that you bring to others."

My parents--thank you and Happy Father's Day!





Audrey and me at Cape Meares



The journey...

      It has been about a month since my last radiation.  Right after the treatment I lost my voice for 2 weeks.  It wasn't fun.  Coupled with no voice my throat was still pretty tender and swollen from the radiation treatment.  As the doctor told me that even after you are through with radiation the treatment still continues on for a while longer attacking the cancer cells.  So with that being said  I took on the pain (with the help of pain meds for sure!) 
    I had a follow up appointment with my doctor at radiation today.  Things are going well.  We did talk about sometimes the sore feeling I get around my scar but he said that was do to the building up of scar tissue.  I have some exercises I can do to help strengthen the area.  My next appointment will be next week with my oncologist to see how my counts are doing and how I am.  I will have my follow up scans in June sometime since I have to wait 2-4 months after radiation.  They like to wait so they can make sure my new tissue and cells have time to be doing what they should be doing and also that the cancer cells are decreasing and or gone!
     My hair is coming back pretty good.  I am still wearing hats and scarves because the growth rate is pretty funky!  Right now I have quite the mullet going on :)  I really think Billy Ray Cyrus is one of the few who can wear it and it looks like it fits him.  I will probably go in for a real hair cut towards the end of May...we'll see.  Also, my strength is  coming back little by little.  I feel better and better each day.

    A friend of mine  (thanks Schmitt!) posted a quote on her FB page that said---"I strongly believe that everyone's path is already laid out for them. The journey is the best part!"  Well  it got me thinking  about my own path and journey and why some people's are harder than others. I am not claiming to have all the answers by any means but perhaps no matter what is thrown at you good or bad it is what you make of it and all that is around you.  I am trying to fully grasp what has happened to me in this past year.  I have had a many people tell me that my body has been through a lot but I know I haven't really taken the time to think about what all that means.  Back in at the end of July in 2009 I found out I was pregnant and then after having Audrey 3 1/2 months later I found out I had cancer.  So yeah I think I would say my body needs a chance to rebuild since it's been through a lot!

     I am thinking one's journey doesn't have to be so grand to make it stand out to others, I do believe that your journey once again is in our own hands no matter how big or small.  It doesn't do me any good to wonder why I got the "golden ticket" because the fact is it has and it did.  Now the question for me is what is next?  I am excited about what is going on around me and look forward to turning yet another page in this on going journey.

Aww the wonders and possibilities of it all....

“We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey.” --Kenji Miyazawa

2nd chances...



End of my last radiation.  My hair is finally starting to grow back so I won't have to wear these hats anymore!

     795--the number I heard every day when I was getting my radiation.  It was the number they used to adjust the field on me for radiation.  But finally the day has come where it is finally finished.  I am finally finished with chemo and radiation and can now look forward to building my health back up!  Radiation has taken a toll on my body as well.  I really can't talk very well because my throat is sore and has been for a good two weeks.  My skin around my neck area is red from it all but will go away in time.
   
     I have been looking forward to this day for quite some time, but I do have to say it comes with some mixed feelings.  You might be wondering how I could have mixed feelings about ending my treatments--well it is simple to me I suppose.  Chemo and radition were like a safety net for me against cancer, I knew that they were doing there job to kill the cancer cells.  And well now with out the treatments it tends to make one feel a bit vulnerable.  Then my mind plays games with me and the "what-if?" game begins.  I know I just need to take this moment and really look at how far I've come and trust me I have--done a lot of reflecting...but always in the back of my mind I know I will carry the what-if..what if it comes back.  Don't get me wrong this type of questioning  isn't something that has taken me over but it isn't so easy to let go.

     At the very beginning one of my doctors told me that I am doing so well because of my health, so ironic that is what my health that at the time failed me.  But I am on the road now to becoming healthy once again and it feels wonderful!  I like knowing that I have faced my own personal hell on earth if you will and have come out victorious.  From that first moment of hearing that I have cancer to hearing that the cancer cells in my body are dead.  Again, I am just letting this all sink in for me--it has been such an emotional battle.

    My final day at radiation was very nice.  The ladies (and two guys lol) were outstanding.  When you graduate as they call it you get a certificate and tell us they don't want any post graduates!   I can handle that :) They let me keep my mask that I would have to wear everyday to keep my head from moving--just watch for it one day to be used at Halloween :) 

     My story is unique to me but at the same time I hear so often someone new learning they have cancer and much the same treatments start for them.   Cancer is a battle of the body and a state of mind.  Cancer is also a battle for not only the people who have it but also for the family and friends.  It starts off as people feeling so lost in the science of what cancer is and what it is doing--to finding that at the end you are a lot tougher than you ever thought you could be and a hell of a lot more educated in the topic too!  Thank you to all that made their way here to help Bobby and I when at times we were just so lost especially in the beginning.  Thank you to all who have wrote to me and told me you own personal stories and have given me support from afar.  

      So what is next?  I will have a few follow-up appointments in the next few months, find out when I will have my port removed and in June a few more scans to make sure all is going good.  But really I think now more than ever I just want to be happy that I am alive and can enjoy this time with my family.  All aren't so lucky.  So here is to being given a second chance at life and it is now up to me what I can do with it!

“We are not the same persons this year as last; nor are those we love. It is a happy chance if we, changing, continue to love a changed person.”   --William Somerset Maugham

Coming Full Circle

    I am well underway with radiation.  I am now on the otherside of halfway finished.  It is a very interesting process that really takes about 5 minutes.  For all you math teachers out there there is a process they do before each radiation treatment.  I can see the reflection of what that are doing and when I lay on the table they are pulling out a metric ruler and making sure I line up to the exact measuremet each time buy the lines I have my skin.  After they do all the measuring I try very hard not to move!
     The first few days I had really no side effects but come day 6--- yikes what a sore throat!  The doctors told me this would happen and when the first few days I didn't feel anything afterwards I was pretty sure those side effects wouldn't happen to me--well I was very very wrong :)  It is not a traditional sore throat rather it feels more like sand paper on your skin but when you swallow.  I saw the doctor yesterday to talk about it and he said that the nerve endings on the esophagus are inflammed.  Who knew?
    This all got me thinking...this past July is when I go very sick and sore throat that lead me to go to the doctor and then only discover I had Hodgkins Lymphoma.  Only this time I know this sore throat right now is making me better- ironic?  I for sure have come full circle since July and will be soon on the road to full recovery.  Till then I will continue my liquid tylenol, cough drops and this "miracle" mouthwash they gave to me to take like a shot.   Ha if only!
     I have been noticing my hair is coming back in to the areas I lost it.  I swear I feel like I study my scalp every night like it is a science experiment.  It was kind of funny a few months back and well maybe sad at the same time, Bobby and I were talking about our balding stories together.  Who would have ever thought we would have such similar stories of emotions on losing hair!  lol   Audrey right now probably has more hair than the both of us at the moment--and frankly her hair just rocks!   But my hair is coming in slowly, but it is coming.
    My sister Mary spent a little over 3 weeks her helping with Audrey and we just couldn't thank her enough.  I know it was tough being away from her own family, so thank you all! So life continues on and I am liking that.   Audrey just got baptized this past Sunday finally!  We have been trying to do this for quite sometime now and it finally all worked out with Bobby being home.  :)

Here comes the "sun"...

     Well radiation therapy is underway.  I must say the people who work there have what they need to do down like a well oilled machine!  I was in and out in about 15 minutes.  Right now I have permenant marker on my upper chest area and part of my throat of where the field of radiation is.  Trust me it is not attractive!  I feel at time like a cross between an etch a sketch and Dr. Hannibal Lecter with the mask on in Silence of the Lambs :) 
     When I am laying on the machine getting prepped for the radiation they have to take a picture of me to show the "field" that they are radiating for their files.  There is a young guy (of course lol) that works there and was taking the picture of me while I am locked in my mask and I jokingly say to him "this isn't going to end on facebook is it?"  he anwered very quickly "oh no no" ....poor guy lol!   So as of now I have two treatments down and 16 more to go.  I am putting on sun block so I don't get red from the treatment.  It was sort of anticlimactic after I put it on because the lotion reminded me of the beach or sitting by a pool--yet I was going to sit and be cooked by a machine inside :(  
     I am so happy really to be at this point of the treatment.  I really can't beat being in and out in roughly 15 minutes.   So right now things are going well and I really can't complain because so many of my hopes and prayers have been answered.  I am soon going to me in the market  for a really strong loofah sponge because after all of this is finished I am scrubing my skin hard to get all the evidence of any pen marking on me.  :)   Soon enough!


**on another note--I want to give a special thanks to a friend of mine that passed away unexpectedly the other day.  I just hope she knows how much she will be missed and how much she helped me last year taking on my long term sub job when I was out on maternity leave.  So here's  a toast and quiet sarcastic jokes(but loving lol) we would do-- to you friend!  May you rest in peace~

“If you’re going through hell, keep going.”
- Winston Churchill

The Weight of the World...

     So I feel as if I have been in limbo for the past week.  We've been waiting on results on my scans to see what was going on around my glands in the face and around the front part of my jaw.  During the PET scan those areas were taking up dye and the doctors weren't sure as to why.  So finally got the results back from Vanderbilt today after going through my images not being able to load up correctly, not having some insurance info and then Vanderbilt just not reading them!  All this delayed me getting my answers that I so desperately needed. 
     Wouldn't you know the time I don't have that phone around me that is the time my doctor calls-thankfully he left a message! My radiologist has really taken his time going through all the scans and even took them to a conference they were having to have others view them and come up with a conclusion as to what was going on.    Results are that pockets in my glands in my face are not cancereous and I will not have to have radiation in my face that can result in having a dry mouth for the rest of my life which my dr decribed as something you just don't want.  So now I will only have to have it from the base of my skull to the mid part of my chest which is pretty standard.  Honestly it has felt as if the weight of the world has been lifted.  This was the last piece of information I needed in this battle with cancer.  Again he told me that the caner in my neck region is dead and is not in my upper glands!
    Right now I am waiting on them to double check the measurements on my scans at Vanderbilt and then send them back to my doctor and they will do a trial run on the measurements for my radiation on my body.  I am getting closer and hope to start radiation early next week.  I know I've become a strong believer in the power of prayer and expecially having a guardian angel.  Hearing the news perhaps my guardian angel eased up a bit on holding my shoulders up and now I can do it more on my own- little by little.  Either way I know I am doing well and will continue to get better and now hold the title that is very sacared---survivor!  :)

Body Art...

      Part two for me has started.  On Tuesday I was fitted for my mask when I get radiation.  It wasn't too bad, but it wasn't comfortable.  What they do is mold a mesh/plastic piece over your face that come around your head.  It starts off warm and soft and then it is pulled down so it can mold to the shape of you head. I felt a bit like I was in the movie the Matrix or Tron, so sci-fi! lol When I start radiation I will wear this each time where you are locked into place so you don't move and that you always receive radiation in the same place.  Fun times.
      The second part of this was that I was marked with marker on my torso to my neck lines I am thinking that will help line up the machine.  I feel a bit like an art project in the making.  As of now I am wearing my jacket zipped all the way up so you can't see the mark on my throat area--I soon may need to invest in many turtle necks.  I also bought sun tan lotion.  Throughout this process I will get or can get red from the radiation.  And well since I am already very pale like a ghost, I got the heaving duty block.  I am also wearing my hat pretty much all the time.  My hair has thinned out quite a bit.  It is one of those things that will turn itself around, but in the mean time it not look so purtty!  :)
     Right now they are determining where to do the radiation as far as starting at the base of my skull or going up higher on the face.  When you have a PET scan it shoots dye into your body and it is taken up by masses that are abnormal.  In my neck area the uptake was not there which is good meaning that those masses/tumors are dead.  What they are seeing right now and they saw back in September is uptake in the parotid gland.  So they sent out my results to be reviewed by radiaologist at Vanderbilt Hospital to see where they will pin point the radiation.  This isn't bad news just the further up will affect the salvatory glands making me have a very very dry throat.  But hey, I've been through chemo and I will get through this.  Just another step in getting better.
     So I will find out tomorrow what they story is on my parotid glands and get my schedule of the time I will go Monday-Friday. Until then I wait.

A peaceful mind...

     Well some very good news to report.  This week has been very busy with me getting my scans (2 CT's and 1 PET) to see how the chemo took.  After visiting with my doctor today he said that the outcome was ideal and excellent!  So now the next step is radiation that will start in the next few weeks.  I will first go and get fitted for the piece that will hold my neck in place during the process of radiation and then go from there. 

     These last 24 hours have probably been the most difficult in my life.  The not know before going to see Dr. Cook was almost too much to take.  Your mind can play a lot of tricks on you.  But it is good to know what when I am feeling like I am about to explode it is good to hear Bobby reassure me that no matter what we find out we'll get through it; and we will!

    So on to the next phase of knocking the cancer out of my body.  My oldest sister Mary is coming in February to help watch Audrey since the radiation will be a daily event for 3 weeks or so when I get it all started.  All the help I have received over these past few months have really just been a blessing and it is so appreciated. 

    As of now I know I will sleep very well for the first time mentally probably since all this started.  It will be such a great feeling!

Moving on...



     So finally my 8th and final treatment is here!  This should be the last of the me providing everything took hold.  I do have to say I have mixed feelings about this being my last one not because I want more but just the anxiety now that follows.  I will have my PET and CT scan within the next 2 weeks and meet back with my doctor to make sure the chemo is doing its job.  I don't think I will really relax until I get those results.  If all goes well I will probably start radiation sometime in February.       

Yes horrible picture, but hey while waiting for the doctor what else am I going to do?  :)  I am wearing a hat more because it is cold...also you can see my port is activated and my scar on my neck from having a lymphnode removed back in September.

      I am coming to not like certain candy because now it reminds me of chemo and the taste of it all.  If I don't have to taste another lifesaver, jollyrancher or lemon drop I will be just fine!  If anything going through all this treatment has made me really rethink things for example

1.  men who are balding and try to hold on to their hair as long as they can by doing a comb over I am understanding that all too well. (granted Donald Trump may have to rethink his hairstyle)  I do have more sympathy for people who have no hair-brrr it is cold on the scalp as Bobby said to me when I was complaing of this "welcome to my world"  awhhh...

2.  when I hear someone is going through chemo I know ask more what kind of drugs they have to take rather than just think chemo is all the same

3.  having a port is not as bad as it sounds-really saves me on the aggravation of being poked like a pin cushion all the time.

4.  draino or some type of unclogger for your drain is a must when you are going through chemo and you start to lose your hair.  What a mess :)

5.  pick the right type of candy as I mentioned above to dull the taste of saline

6.  people who work in the field of oncology have to be strong people with what they see and have to deal with every day.

7.  comfortable clothes are a must during chemo days--not fun sitting there feeling all blah because your pants feel too tight lol :)

8.  white blood cell counts--who knew that they would rule my body so much and how important they are (wish I paid more attention in biology class)

9. Tylenol-what an invention! with 1 of my meds I get very sore like having the flu in you muscles and tylenol helps wonderfully! 

10.  having someone tell you, you have cancer is very scary but it doesn't have to be something that rules your life- take charge!

   I have faced some pretty hard challenges in my life and I've always come out a stronger better person.  Perhaps it is the power of positive thought and strength from those around me.  For all my Central Catholic people you will know what I am talking about when I say this--my freshman year in highschool sitting in Fr. Mcmillan's Christian Life class he told us we should be asking two fundamental questions "who am I? and where am I going?  At the time I know I didn't grasp what he was asking us to do. Throughout my adult life these questions keep coming back to me.  I can say that when I do ask myself these questions I not only have a better understanding of what is being asked of me but I have only grown for the better. 
     Facing life sometimes isn't an easy thing, but being told you have something that could kill  you makes you think in a whole different way.  I've always appreciated and love birthdays (if you know me you know this lol).  Birthdays are a celebration of life.  I think that is why I've always enjoyed them (sure the presents were great lol) but over time I've really learned it is okay to feel like a kid if you want on your birthday-isn't it what they say life is too short?  Celebrate and enjoy.  But hey, they is just my thoughts on it all.
   So on to phase 2 and we'll see what is in store for me next. 

"Life is full of beauty. Notice it.  Notice the bumble bee, the small child, and the smiling faces.  Smell the rain and feel the wind.  Live your life to fullest potential, and fight for your dreams."  
-Ashley Smith