2nd chances...



End of my last radiation.  My hair is finally starting to grow back so I won't have to wear these hats anymore!

     795--the number I heard every day when I was getting my radiation.  It was the number they used to adjust the field on me for radiation.  But finally the day has come where it is finally finished.  I am finally finished with chemo and radiation and can now look forward to building my health back up!  Radiation has taken a toll on my body as well.  I really can't talk very well because my throat is sore and has been for a good two weeks.  My skin around my neck area is red from it all but will go away in time.
   
     I have been looking forward to this day for quite some time, but I do have to say it comes with some mixed feelings.  You might be wondering how I could have mixed feelings about ending my treatments--well it is simple to me I suppose.  Chemo and radition were like a safety net for me against cancer, I knew that they were doing there job to kill the cancer cells.  And well now with out the treatments it tends to make one feel a bit vulnerable.  Then my mind plays games with me and the "what-if?" game begins.  I know I just need to take this moment and really look at how far I've come and trust me I have--done a lot of reflecting...but always in the back of my mind I know I will carry the what-if..what if it comes back.  Don't get me wrong this type of questioning  isn't something that has taken me over but it isn't so easy to let go.

     At the very beginning one of my doctors told me that I am doing so well because of my health, so ironic that is what my health that at the time failed me.  But I am on the road now to becoming healthy once again and it feels wonderful!  I like knowing that I have faced my own personal hell on earth if you will and have come out victorious.  From that first moment of hearing that I have cancer to hearing that the cancer cells in my body are dead.  Again, I am just letting this all sink in for me--it has been such an emotional battle.

    My final day at radiation was very nice.  The ladies (and two guys lol) were outstanding.  When you graduate as they call it you get a certificate and tell us they don't want any post graduates!   I can handle that :) They let me keep my mask that I would have to wear everyday to keep my head from moving--just watch for it one day to be used at Halloween :) 

     My story is unique to me but at the same time I hear so often someone new learning they have cancer and much the same treatments start for them.   Cancer is a battle of the body and a state of mind.  Cancer is also a battle for not only the people who have it but also for the family and friends.  It starts off as people feeling so lost in the science of what cancer is and what it is doing--to finding that at the end you are a lot tougher than you ever thought you could be and a hell of a lot more educated in the topic too!  Thank you to all that made their way here to help Bobby and I when at times we were just so lost especially in the beginning.  Thank you to all who have wrote to me and told me you own personal stories and have given me support from afar.  

      So what is next?  I will have a few follow-up appointments in the next few months, find out when I will have my port removed and in June a few more scans to make sure all is going good.  But really I think now more than ever I just want to be happy that I am alive and can enjoy this time with my family.  All aren't so lucky.  So here is to being given a second chance at life and it is now up to me what I can do with it!

“We are not the same persons this year as last; nor are those we love. It is a happy chance if we, changing, continue to love a changed person.”   --William Somerset Maugham

Coming Full Circle

    I am well underway with radiation.  I am now on the otherside of halfway finished.  It is a very interesting process that really takes about 5 minutes.  For all you math teachers out there there is a process they do before each radiation treatment.  I can see the reflection of what that are doing and when I lay on the table they are pulling out a metric ruler and making sure I line up to the exact measuremet each time buy the lines I have my skin.  After they do all the measuring I try very hard not to move!
     The first few days I had really no side effects but come day 6--- yikes what a sore throat!  The doctors told me this would happen and when the first few days I didn't feel anything afterwards I was pretty sure those side effects wouldn't happen to me--well I was very very wrong :)  It is not a traditional sore throat rather it feels more like sand paper on your skin but when you swallow.  I saw the doctor yesterday to talk about it and he said that the nerve endings on the esophagus are inflammed.  Who knew?
    This all got me thinking...this past July is when I go very sick and sore throat that lead me to go to the doctor and then only discover I had Hodgkins Lymphoma.  Only this time I know this sore throat right now is making me better- ironic?  I for sure have come full circle since July and will be soon on the road to full recovery.  Till then I will continue my liquid tylenol, cough drops and this "miracle" mouthwash they gave to me to take like a shot.   Ha if only!
     I have been noticing my hair is coming back in to the areas I lost it.  I swear I feel like I study my scalp every night like it is a science experiment.  It was kind of funny a few months back and well maybe sad at the same time, Bobby and I were talking about our balding stories together.  Who would have ever thought we would have such similar stories of emotions on losing hair!  lol   Audrey right now probably has more hair than the both of us at the moment--and frankly her hair just rocks!   But my hair is coming in slowly, but it is coming.
    My sister Mary spent a little over 3 weeks her helping with Audrey and we just couldn't thank her enough.  I know it was tough being away from her own family, so thank you all! So life continues on and I am liking that.   Audrey just got baptized this past Sunday finally!  We have been trying to do this for quite sometime now and it finally all worked out with Bobby being home.  :)