Happy 2nd remission year to me.....

     It was told to me when all my cancer stuff started happening that  with my type of cancer if it were to return the greatest chance  would be  within the first two years after chemo.  Today I got the word that I have passed that 2 year mark and remain in remission!   My blood work came back excellent and the one mass I still have in me still remains but hasn't grown.  So yes, this is great news!
     I will admit those words have been circulating through my head for the past two years...just so happy to have made it to this mark and getting the confirmation today.  Things have been going well as far as health.  I am learning that now whenever I get sick/cold/allergies it pretty much always goes to my throat and the tissue around the base of my neck.  I do still have a lot of scar tissue that has built up over the past years that does cause my neck area to be tender right where  I had my surgery, but hey it is something I don't mind dealing with.
   My next appointment will be in another 6 months as part of my regular maintenance.   So as of now I am just soaking in the small things of life such as ... being able to finally hold my hair in my hand and put it into a ponytail, being able to fly whenever I want and not  have to worry about being close to a hospital to name a few.  But most importantly and without sounding too cliché, I am just so happy I have many many, more years to be around and watch my little Audrey grow up!



“Patience is not the ability to wait but the ability to keep a good attitude while waiting.”  --Joyce Meyer  
   

How can I not visit here every year?  The peace the Oregon Coast brings to me is something I greatly value in my life.

 

Audrey quickly realized that mommy was right and having a beach ball that is really light on a windy beach day don't mix....let's just say after she(and mommy) had to chase that sucker down a few times MOMMY was soooo over it!  haha

Life--A Catch 22

      Life.  We all strive to  live long lives and want to be healthy no matter your situation may be.   Today I finally was able to get a CT scan for being almost 2 years out from my last chemo treatment.  I have had some many emotional battles since my last PET scan in Dec. 2011.  I currently have two insurances and yet I have been denied multiple times of having maintenance scans with the reason that I am not sick so I don't need the maintaince scans.  Let me tell you, that is a very hard pill to swallow.  On one hand I am enjoying being healthy and enternally greatful, yet in order to know I am healthy I can't have a life-saving scan to  make sure I am still healthy. *sigh*

        I think for me, this has become at this stage such a mind game for me.  I think for many survivors of cancer or any illness the post treatment seems not as prescribed.  When I was undergoing chemo  and radiation it was very regiment and everything was layed out right before me because that is just what you do- I knew what to expect.  Now, on the otherside of the treatments it's not as formulated and a whole new set of worries come into play.  Don't get me wrong, I am happy that I have this 2nd chance but my mind right now is my biggest enemy. 

      After visiting with my doctor this past time I had a concern with a point in my upper neck but I have felt fine.  Luckly all my blood work came back great and that can be a sign if it had not.  But again, it goes all back to the mind game I am playing with myself.  My doctor let me know what he was feeling with the salvitory gland which should be there :)  Ok, okay...Hey just checking!  He was able to order a CT scan for me to check it out just to be on the safe side and really I think to ease my worry.  I appreciated it.  I should know in the next day or two the results.  I am not worried per sue, just anxious-ready to move on.

     So with being a cancer survivor I am now at risk for developing secondary cancers.   I know right, the fun just never seems to end! haha....this is something that can happen down the line but then again it might not.  Life.  As of right now for maintenance since insurance agencies are cracking down in the last few years of who qualifies for various treatments, people who follow the rules and where I feel like I am doing right by my health don't get what I need or should I say get what I feel I need.  It's tough, but that is how it goes.

     I am very greatful that I had my neck scan today at least it will give me the peace of mind that I so needing right now.  I feel fine and based on blood results and my exam by my doctor I am fine-but just my little ole mind playing tricks on me once again.   Life is good for me.  Audrey is such a smart precious little girl and my husband is back home safely from deployment.  Small things are returning to me like having longer hair that I can actually put back in a pony tail!  haha I have a lot to look forward too in the years to come!

“Worry is like a rocking chair--it gives you something to do but it doesn't get you anywhere.”

    

On the otherside...

Today, one year ago I finished radiation therapy.  Shortly after I finished I lost my voice for two weeks.  What an emotional time not only because I was afraid I was never going to talk again, but I was just so nervous about what my results from everything were going to be.  Luckly, I am still in remission and hanging on to every ounce of those words.

I would like to say that post chemo and radiation life if just glorious, but I don't think anyone really prepares you for what comes next.  Now don't get me wrong I am so happy with my success and I love having the chance to be with my family and watching Audrey grow.  I just think going through the emotional journey of fighting for you life after being told you have cancer is scary and draining emotionally and physically.   Just the whole post chemo situation can be a mind game all in its self.  The wonder of what could happen is a lot to think about.  There is a lot of healing that needs to take place.

So I keep very busy by choice and well by what life comes at me.  I really enjoy my work and I am so happy and thankful for Audrey who is almost 2!  Scary thought that is has almost been 2 years since I had her.  I was diagnosed when she was almost 4 months old and looking back I have to say I am not sure how I got through it all but where there is a will there is a way.

Currently we are 2 months in to Bobby being deployed. Thinking back to what I just said about not sure how I got through it, well I do know.  Bobby was such a lifesaver and with him gone it isn't easy but we've done this before and we got through it.  Still it isn't easy. 

So here it is a day I wished for a year ago to be over and healing from all my treatments.  I am so thankful to all who check in on me and just support me.  I am preparing to take part in the Relay for Life her locally and I am now experiencing it from the side of a survivor.  I have been apart of it for many years and really enjoyed it, yet never even thought for a moment it would have such a very personal meaning. Thinking about where the money goes for research and medicines and being on the receiving end of all this I know the American Cancer Society does great work.

Relay for Life Donation   Feel free if you would like to donate to such a great and powerful cause!

"Attitudes are habits of thinking.  You have it within your power to develop the habit of thinking thoughts that will result in a winning attitude"

Reflection

Well another year is about to finish and I find myself like many others reflecting.  So much has happened in this past year and yet so much of it seems to get tangled up in my memories.  I am so grateful to find myself in remission for at this time last year I had just finished my 2nd to last chemo treatment and was full of such anxiety of did it all work.  I am going to try and break this past year down--

January- Finished last chemo treatment.  Had my 2nd wedding anniversary.
February-  Got the news that my radiation field could be narrowed down to not include my face and just my neck and upper chest area.
March- Finished up radiation and lost my voice for 2 weeks from the treatment
April- Audrey turned 1
May- Bobby away from school for awhile.  Finally got to travel out of my area for the first time since all my treatment concluded!  First haircut since post treatment.
June-Got a job teaching 4th grade at a school I really love since taking a year off and found out I was officially in remission
July-With Bobby back we can finally visit New York again and have my chemo port removed!
August-School starts back and Audrey starts with daycare for the long haul
September-follow up appointment with doctor I am still feeling pretty good
October-Bobby left for awhile and was able to travel with Audrey again to Oregon
November-Celebrated Thanksgiving with Bobby and Audrey-awaiting and overthinking my scans next month
December-Scans show I am still in remission after about a year out of treatment of chemo and radiation

Next year----hoping for a very healthy New Year and to never have to return to the treatments again!

Wow, what a year it has been.  I am hoping to have this coming year lead to many great things for my family and yours! 

Happy New Year!

For last year's words belong to last year's language and next year's words await another voice. And to make an end is to make a beginning.
T. S. Eliot

It's such a good feeling...

to know you're alive!  ~Mr. Rogers  This quote just seems very appropriate. 

      On Wednesday of this week I had my half yearly scans which include a PET and CT scan to let me know how they chemo and radiation are handling things.  I've been kind of quiet about all of this because it has been weighing heavy on my mind since my last scans back in June which let me know I was in remission from Hodgkin's Lymphoma.  Well good news my scan are showing everything is still in the clear and I am still in remission!

       I started calling today which would be the earliest I could possibly have the results back.  I have to say my oncologist doctor and nurses are just wonderful people who always help me out.  I will have my follow up appointment Monday to let me know when my next scans will be which will probably a longer time in between.  So this is for sure a good thing.

     You know at the very beginning of all this I know I mentioned the quote the elderly man who greets you when you walk in the door at Walmart told me to "have a great day and even better tomorrow".  This is something throughout this whole process I have remembered.  Well tonight he was at the greeter this evening at the door and as I was leaving he said this again to me.   I stopped and said to him "you know about a year ago you said that to me and it meant a lot, I was diagnosed with cancer and those words have stayed with me"  He smiled and was very much happy I told him this.  We talked for a few minutes about how his words do impact people and I just told him thank you.  He also told me his granddaughter had been diagnosed with Leukemia 5 years earlier.  Cancer affects us all, young and old and everyone in between.  Sad reality.
     So on to the next chapter and we'll see what is ahead.  I love that I can think about the future and know that I have these scan to prove that I am healthy.  So yes I had cancer, I am moving forward and so very thankful for that opportunity.   So a sigh of relief, a very long over due sigh or relief. 

“When you get to the end of your rope. Tie a knot and hang on.”
― Franklin D. Roosevelt

Getting to know you...

     Well it has been some time since I've written here.  Life has been so busy, but I am thinking that is a good thing.  I had recently my every 3 month check up since remission and my doctor said I was healthy!  It's nice to hear that.  Though this past week I had a scare.  I felt a tighting in my neck and pressure behind my ear.  It was enough for me to go in and see what was going on.  It was that same feeling that I got back in July of 2010 right before my diagnosis.  Luckly it turned out to just be a cold.
     I guess I am coming to terms that I have a "new" body in a sense.  It can be very frustrating after knowing yourself and how you respond to colds coming on etc, that I am now faced with I don't really know my body all that well.   This isn't something that comes to me easily since I like to be in control of things.  So it is a learning process to say the least.  The tightness in my neck was right by my scar and my doctor thought it could be the scar tissue stretching from the cold.  Who knows....just well it sent me to a place of a new reality for me. 
     I am in remission for cancer.  Such an ugly word, cancer.  I've been given the chance to continue living and that is such a gift that others with this horrible disease may not get.  October 8th is another big date for me; the one year mark of my very first chemo treatment.  I have come a very long way.  Instead of fearing when I would lose my hair I can now say I've had three haircuts since May.  I've been told that my hair looks really cute short....but I guess for me it just isn't how I see myself.  I guess I could go the hair extensions route but yeah that may just be a tad over board! 
     For awhile I had been very protective of my scar and how much I showed but lately I honestly forget about it.  Then of course you get the people who are looking at you and you know they are wondering "what happened?"... I guess I would be doing the same thing.  I had one little girl at work ask me about my scar and asked if I had fallen down.  Oh if only that were the reason :)  I don't mind people asking me about it, it keeps putting the word out there about cancer and to be your own advocate when it comes to your body.
     My next big scans will be in December and that will be just shy of the year mark of me ending my chemo treatment.  Providing all goes well we go to every 4 month visits and PET and CT scans for the next 5 years every year.  So I am making progess, just slow going with A LOT of waiting in between.  A few weeks back I went to the Post Office to buy stamps and I had the cashier Post Office guy ask me about my scar.  Like I said I don't mind talking about it but well right in front of the whole place was a tad weird.  Then the other cashier said it must be hard not knowing, you must worry.  Well 1. thanks for pointing that out and 2.  yeah I do worry!
      What I have come to learn is that I don't and can't control everything.  Sometimes you just have to "worry" about every day life and what it is offereing and not think always about the unknown--for it will happen soon enough.
   

“There is something beautiful about all scars of whatever nature. A scar means the hurt is over, the wound is closed and healed, done with.”------Harry Crews

 

 

Leukemia & Lymphoma Society  

(Always a great place to donate.  The Nashville Chapter has helped me with literature and copay help and just general support!)



Starting to not wear something covering my head ....big step for me!



Taking back...

     So with the good news on remission I now have a date as to when I can have my chemo port removed.  I will have it taken out July 6th.  Now what is interesting about this is they give you two options on how you want to go about this.  The first is traditional surgery where you go in and go under with anesthesia.  The other option since it is easier to have the port removed then placed is to have it taken out in the office while you are awake.  So I chose the second way of doing this. 
     Yes this does mean I am aware of what is going on, but luckily I have a prescription of Xanax that will help me relax :)  This next step is the numb the area where he will do the surgery and for me that is in the up right part of my chest.  Then he will give me a shot so I don't feel anything.  Sounds easy enough, right? Heh.  I am wondering if my doctor during this will let me wear my headphones for my ipod so I don't hear anything.  Bobby can be in the room with me and he wants to be so we'll see.  For me getting this port out represents so much of a journey that I have gone through and didn't sign up for.  It is that last physical piece in my body tying me to cancer.   It is has been a lifesaver, but one I am so willing to thank and move on!  The whole procedure he says lasts about 30 minutes or less.  So any words of experience in this type of surgery I would love to hear!
    So other than that I just sit and wait and soon to be another step closer to having this behind me.  My hair is growing pretty good and now it is getting to a strange point of still short but not long enough to really do anything and can really look like a hot mess!  But hey, I'll take it.  I have entertained the idea of getting a weave or extensions put in but I don't want to look like Vanilla Ice/Britany Spears gone horribly wrong.  :) 
     I will be going back to work this fall and am really looking forward to this.  I will be teaching 4th grade.  I love the age of fourth graders!  Audrey will be having to go to daycare and let me tell you I am NOT looking forward to that.  We went and visited the place where she most likely will be going and she loved it there.  She was talking and playing with the other kids.  I know it will be very hard on me I think most of all.  But a year ago I didn't think this time was ever going to get here of me being well enough to actually go back to work.

"Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage."

- Anais Nin

Up at Cape Meares, OR--odd fact about me is I always wanted to go into the forestry service.  Who knows, maybe one day I will do something with it!

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